Question by Tulo-git2quit: What do you think about my conclusion paragraph?
I’m doing a personal profile for school on Pete Rose. I’m 15, sophomore.

Thanks for your input.

Pete Rose’s legacy will probably always be tainted to some degree, even if his life-long ban is ever lifted. Gambling, like other addictive problems athletes sometimes deal with, should certainly be handled in a similar way, that is, if the League is willing to help athletes with a marijuana addiction, they should also help them with a gambling problem. And if punishment is to be handed out, it should be to a similar degree, and in a fair way. As for Pete Rose, he was a truly great player, and unique in the gritty, old-school, 110 percent way he played; other players might do well to model themselves after him. He truly did play the game the right way, and no matter what anyone thinks of his off-field problems, they cannot help but respect him for what he accomplished on the field. And the hope of many is that a future commissioner, if not Selig, will lift Rose’s ban, and give him a chance at the Hall of Fame. This is something that Rose deserves, not because he made all the right decisions in life, but because he earned it as a player, and that’s all you should need.

Best answer:

Answer by Fred S
Your writing is very good. You last sentence is an especially good way to conclude.

You can impove your paragraph by being less wishy-washy. As these are your views, you can be more direct. For example, take out “probably” in the first sentence. His legacy WILL always be tainted. Other plays WOULD do well to copy him, not “might”.

If you want to edit it, look for ways to shorten each sentence without changing the meaning. For example, use “additions” rather than “addictive problems”. Also, short sentences are better than long ones, so break up your second sentence.

By the way, Rose’s real problem wasn’t the gambling, it was lying about it. Had Rose admitted he gambled, he would have been forgiven (by the public at least). But it’s difficult to help someone who won’t admit they have a problem.

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